why do serial cheaters want to stay married why do serial cheaters want to stay married

Your marriage endured the proverbial fire and it has come out as pure gold. I told a friend of my h and mine that Id had an affair. I am also angered that your body literally had to get that sick and he still would not come clean when he saw you vomiting your guts out. These sickos often have more than an affair in mind. My Meyers Briggs classifies me as an INFJ. They think society's rules don't apply to them, i.e., they are sociopathic narcissists. All Rights Reserved. Right, Strength, but its a tricky situation cause they dont WANT to BE single, they just want to ACT single. Yet today is the day. The something more they crave could be excitement, support, sex or any other need that they believe their wives are just not able to provide. One-time cheaters are less likely to manipulate your relationship in a way that suits their needs. Some common relationship issues that can lead to cheating include lack of communication, emotional disconnect, physical disconnect, and lack of respect. A sick way of medicating his falling ego. However, someone who only cheated once and came clean to you is more likely to remain faithful going forward than someone with a long pattern of infidelity. Having obsessive thoughts centered on what your partner has done or is currently doing. But, his adrenaline seeking behavior usually extends to his love life and he finds the challenge of conquering new women intoxicating. "Theyre very vague when it comes to telling you about their life or what goes on when youre not around," Ricciardi says. They can be the big Hero. However, this is a question only you can answer as every situation is different. He some balls asking you to keep his secret. When she realised that she was losing her grip on him, she decided to tell him, that she would be happy to raise his children, so he could have them with him. Regarding what Trying Hard said, its counterintuitive I know, but admitting that you truly meant nothing, or very little , to your AP really gives you your freedom back. We talked openly on fb a lot (sign). They may also enjoy the ego boost, or the thrill of sneaking around. The ap for you, the ow/om for us, although we know they arent worth the time or space in our minds, they have caused so much havoc in our lives, that it is hard for us to truly let go of the thoughts that come to mind, and we end up getting emotionally tired and upset, just wanting them to leave our minds for good. When I was in my mid- 20s, I took a lot of flack from my (now ex) fiance because I wasnt more of an in-your-face extrovert. Hi Sarah. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. He came from a good family, lower class like mine. It may reflect future behavior. Its like they say, misery loves company. If you are in a relationship with a serial cheater, you really need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone that holds any of the above 4 mentalities. You cannot tell me that one person really believes that cheating is ok. I have observed many a decent woman become temporarily fooled by a married, male narcissist in the office. Ive been reading the comments since the end of last year, the ones about being betrayed by friends left me with a deep sense of sorrow for the posters but I was foolish to think that would not be my reality This second sexual affair was with a friend Words fail me right now in describing the depth of disgust I feel towards my husband and this fake friend; I had to take down all the wedding pictures off the wall Im dealing with a serial cheater clearly. He will perform the most impressive mental acrobatics in order to make it seem as if others are the cause for his terrible behavior. Im sure she thought because my H had had an affair he would be easy picking so I caught her many times trying to make small talk. The norms in many cultures strongly frown upon divorce. A cheater's secrets can often be revealed through their recent calls list, in text messages on their phone, or a private folder in their email. 20. You may lose your appetite or even experience an increase in appetite. It's even harder when you realize it may not be the first time your partner has cheated on you or on their former partners. Just as you were taught not to judge a book by its cover, it's near impossible to look someone in the eye and, in just one glance, know they're a cheater. This guy played you and Im sure it hurts to think that. So many people have been affected by this mess, and theres a 6 year old whos going to have it the worst. Yet there were emails saying sorry I missed your call 2 days ago or sorry I didnt get to call you this weekendblah, blah, blah. Out of body experiences. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. I have been on high alert for signs but have found none. They may desire more variety in their life and monogamy is difficult for them. Some signs that your cheater may be a sex addict. Because if you say 21 years, you acknowledge that she has played a hurtful role in your life, and thats a tiny win for her. He preys on nice people because they are the last to see through the likes of him because nice people are courteous, trusting, and give the benefit of the doubt many times over. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". First of all quit seeing yourself in a bad light and start seeing this self centered narcissistic jerk who used you to stroke his own tragic ego as a jerk. You are right that she does not want my friendship, but wants my life. Do any of you ladies have any advice on what I can do to up the ante with this female co-worker who will not go away? Weight loss and improvement in your appearance (sign ). But if you've caught your partner once and you're wondering if they're going to do it again, these habits can help you figure out which category of cheater they fall under. After a while, you literally dont feel bad about it. So she is not one to give up easily. If only you had been sexier, more attentive, more available, more loving, more.whatever the other person possessed that seduced your husband. He was my high school bf, we sleep slept together when I was 16, off and on til about 20. I admire you, I admire you for putting your best foot forward, and swallowing your pride, by sending a letter to your ap wife. ha not me. When a serial cheater is caught, they will look for different ways to justify their behavior. But a locked phone especially, You might recall this trick of the trade from the 2006 teen dramedy "John Tucker Must Die," but apparently the three-time cheater's strategy of calling his three girlfriends "baby" and "sweetheart" wasn't just clever writing, it's a legitimate tactic cheaters use to make sure they aren't mixing up your name with their. Ohh and she also, had my h listen to one of their conversations on speaker, while she was talking to her exh. The passion or excitement may be lacking in their marriage, even if everything else is going great. The OW he had the affair with was everything my husband found abhorrent as well. If youre considering staying with an unfaithful husband, make sure to consider whether you can get past the hurt. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. Please believe what Giz and Sarah P had to tell you about the MM. I am not shy but he made me blush and nervous and heaped a lot of praise and attention on me. Consider his actions since youve found out about the affair. Winters said. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. You come here supporting us that have been betrayed, and hurt. There are a lot of factors that can contribute to someone's infidelity. Serial cheaters dont think cheating is as big of a deal as one-time cheaters do. Just strange. It premiered on TNT on July 12, 2010, and set a record as cable TV's most watched commercial-supported series launch. Anyhow, during the time he was cheating on me, I remember that he would make random comments about how I was not the life of the party and how that was a bad thing. This leads to resentment and seeking affection elsewhere. I am on good terms and friendly with several of his co-workers and know that he has never crossed the line. Gender stereotypes have got to go! Yay!!!!! thank you for the info, Sarah P! Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. I made a mistake in staying with him. I lived with a cheater and all of this describes him to a T. I am done with that. I felt utterly trapped. These traits could really apply to anyone so I guess its true, ANTONE can or would cheat. "Serial cheaters will talk a good game about being faithful in the future but they will display no distancing behaviors to the people and situations they were involved in at the time they cheated," Caleb Backe, Health and Wellness Expert for Maple Holistics, tells Bustle. If you are over him none of that stuff matters. He doesnt want to break up the family, 4. I hope your new job is going good and that the remodel to your home is brilliant as well. Still, only you know what is right for you to do. I saw the other day that Craigslist love affair said sex with her affair partner was terrible. This really is a terrible story and I am so sorry you have had to go through it. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. He knew how to cast the line to see if shed bite and she bit, all he had to do was reel her in and brush up on his cunning so his wife could be fooled again. Her finances take a hit. A pervasive sense of loss of stability and trust. Your Hs OW was definitely a predator. Yes she left him 3 times, but why keep going back. He doesnt want to leave his home, his family, and the life that hes grown accustomed to. I think one thing bothering me after my husband cheated was that I felt I had to act like someone I wasnt. For most I believe they have something lacking in their own character and it makes then easy prey for an affair. It shocked him, when he saw I chose to fight for him. I think I would have been very upset from the get-go as soon as I saw that happening. The ow, we despise are the ones that dont give a shit about who they hurt. said cheaters will sometimes lay the groundwork for future lies ahead of time in order to cover their tracks later on in the relationship. They know how to use their charm in order to win people over pretty easily. For instance, if someone is in an environment where cheating happens a lot, they may be more encouraged to cheat. It is HARD to say to yourself that things werent as they seemed, that maybe you were used, and that you werent special to that PARTICULAR PERSON. So staying married seems like the best option, at least for now. Jeddy, again I am so sorry about everything you are going through. He used to tell me she was not very smart, she needed help with everything. To quote facebook, If you want to act single, be single. I am also a marketing copywriter specializing in sales funnels. Being cheated on twice, or three times. Love it! They think societys rules dont apply to them, i.e., they are. the New York City-based relationship expert told INSIDER. According to Callisto, individuals might opt to stay in this kind of relationship more because of how they feel about themselves rather than anything to do with their cheating partner. Hoffman suggests you "give them your password logins, share a calendar, over-communicate about your comings and goings. Has anyone seen the film The Other Woman? We have spoken openly about my view of how this happens and he validates my feelings. If there was no emotional component, he may not even see the harm in the affair. I believe the talk between the affair partners about how miserable their lives are with their spouses is a vital conversation to justify the affair. December 6, 2019. It also kept me from being the best mother I could be for my kids. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. My inlaws avoid me since Im a cold bitch who wont go to funerals etc, nor do my kids want to go. After going through that experience, I am now keenly aware that it is possible even if a relationship appears to be wonderful. (He had been having an affair under my nose and I had no idea. Well, if any of you have advice on what me or my husband could do to get her to go away, let me know. Ever hear of hyper bonding? Certainly someone who continuously seeks out extramarital sexual relationships or hook-ups seems to be by definition a serial cheater. Anyhow I think Im going to take a break but Ill probably be back tomorrow ha! I had a business acquatainance when I owned my retail business. Oh lucky me! OK huggggss to you and I will be raising my glass of Chablis to you tonight Eyes! Well, there are a few reasons why affairs happen: 1. We hugged a lot (he hugged everyone so must always have smelled of perfume) (sign). A partner who has cheated before is likely to cheat again. Ohh if I had known about the indiscretions my H had. She wants your life. In fact, Darn says they might make it a point early on to make themselves as hard to pin down as possible. "Often an affair happens because of opportunity," she says. I felt so alone, I felt she had finally got her way, then I read others post, some of the blogs, and everything just made more sense. You make a very good point. You go through their phone records, email, wallet, anything that might prove what you already suspect. The cheating is serial or a pattern of behavior. Do it sister:). They may blame you for not keeping up your attractiveness, or not wanting sex each time they do, or not being entirely at their disposal when they want. One-time cheaters will care more about their partner's feelings and reactions. Food may not interest you in the least, or you may dive into the junk food, especially sweets, which will give you an endorphin, feel-good rush (before making you crash and feel even more horrible). Does he seem sincere and willing to change? Its all unreal and a fantasy but these alternative scenarios have to exist in their minds and in their stories. Well those were your red flags. Or, if he does, he may not continue. So VERY disappointed in this posting. After he starts having affairs, it is easier for him to continue than to find other ways to handle marital frustration. He knew he was a good liar. Then I saw his phone records, and it was for hours on end, every time he left home, he was on the phone, every time he was in his car, he was on the phone with her, every spare time he had, it was talking, or texting her. . But I think this charming behavior has been going on for a long time with female vendors or customers. The constant fear of getting caught cheating might be exciting to them. It would have eaten her up inside, knowing that here he was celebrating our marriage, and not celebrating a separation instead with her. Your AP just doesnt sound like a very nice person, honestly. However, an affair can just be an affair if both partners are committed to restoring faith and honesty. Honestly to think that was our darkest moment, and we can say, we got through to the other side, a stronger couple. It becomes part of the vernacular of the affair. His AP sounds unstable and emotionally abusive. When married couples split up, their friends are more likely to take sides with the wives than the unfaithful men who hurt them. He doesnt want to lose half of his money through a messy divorce. Lynsey, I totally agree. BAM, NOW WHO DA BOSS?? According to Dr. Nelson, the claim, "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't necessarily true. It was a beautiful time, but you know that was as tainted as they come, of a wedding anniversary. I would have grabbed that damn phone locked myself in the bathroom and read everything whether he called me crazy or not, and then I would have given him 5 min to leave. But, it is sincere on his part. So SR to answer your question. Shes lying to seem more swanky and chic. Some common reactions to this trauma include: Your brain slows everything down so that you are able to take it all in slowly, trying to minimize the horror of what your partner has done. In fact, this is his most reliable traithis ability to always blame others for his bad behavior. We found ways of travelling together and being in one anothers company as much as possible. You need to focus on yourself and your needs if you wish to remain with this partner. What hes learned is most time people have their own agendas and sometimes they are measuring him up on how big a dupe hes going to be. This kind of behavior, however, is a reflection of something deeply rooted inside of them. Thats our battle. Youre absolutely right. She was a nosy buddy, gambler, drinker and very loud. Theres a look, a nonverbal communication between addicts and desperate people. They show a lack of remorse and empathy. Omg, they catch a man hook line and sinker. To me, it seems like if all women refused the bait and refused to even open the door to the bait, there would be A LOT less affairs. I have put together a list of attitudes and behaviors that are commonly found in those who are likely to be unfaithful multiple times. I could not have predicted the way this thread would go a year ago I am bowled over by your compassion! 2.No Backup or Exit Plan: One of the main reasons is Serial Cheaters don't have any backup or exit plan to divorce their partner cause they never thought of getting caught. Im not jealous, but Im not putting up with that shit either. And what's most heartbreaking about these statistics is, of those who had been cheated on and found out about it, most probably never saw it coming at least, not until it was too late. But a locked phone especially, Susan Winter said, is a dead giveaway. Someone who makes a one-time mistake with cheating will show remorse and admit to being wrong, but serial cheaters see no wrong in their behavior. Flickr/imagineitall. Another common reason is anger or frustration at their spouse. Hes comfortable or attached to the way things are, 7. Yes she played a huge role as facilitator but he was a willing victim. Why do cheating husbands stay married? After that conversation, I found my child and we ran around the play area together. An inability to concentrate, which affects your work. My h refused to accept there were problems and talk. Front of the pack leading lives with integrity, not anywhere near those maimed creatures. It can be challenging to engage with intimacy in a healthy way if a person has other challenges within themselves that they have yet to unpack. If Id had a history of cheating, he would be just another one, and not special;. This lady who is chasing him has lived with a guy for 10 years and the guy will not marry her. He was the narcissist, you were only being human. My H is verrrrry charming. Its all he knows and his marriage is a safe place for him. I have another assistant who is perfect and keeps her mouth shut and does her work. He was smiling and making small talk and invading my personal space. Are they unhappy in their marriage so they had an affair or are they unhappy in their marriage because they are in an affair? Remember that it doesnt take a genius to mirror back the opinions of the opposite sex. In all honesty I am nervous a out replying, because this teeters dangerously close to blaming which I avoid at all costs. Very respectful, church going, seemed normal. There are some women who get pulled into affairs even though they have no intention of doing so then there are women who seem to seek out to destroy the happiness of another woman. Anyhow thank you for your valuable insight. While not all risk-takers are serial cheaters, people who have difficulties controlling impulses may be more likely to cheat. New job etc not helping! I hope the next 23 years are the best ever! So watch for red flags like walking into another room to take calls, answering late-night texts, or keeping their phone faced down on the table whenever you're around. More important is to trust ourselves and be aware. What's even more disturbing about cheaters is that not only do they know what to say, they know how to say it, and how to carry themselves so that their body language doesn't give away a lie. Id be gone, settled and almost a year into getting my life in order. Still, there are men who hope to stay married because they truly love their wives and want to work things out. Sexual Dud. "In truth," Wish told INSIDER, " [cheaters] are deeply insecure people who feel flawed, unloved, angry, and, ironically, robbed of something that they needed emotionally in life as a child.". We the bs and the cs have been fighting for our marriages, our families, and on both sides, it wasnt easy, but my friend, we became stronger, within ourselves. You have come such a. Or maybe he never had an affair. What did the affair process look like? You replay loops in your mind, perhaps scenes of what youve discovered, or imagine scenes of what you will discover if you dig deep enough. Yet he still helped out. He abhors drama and bad feelings and then goes overboard to make sure everyone is happy and there is no tension in the air). She forgave him once, twice, three times, surly he wouldnt think she was dumb enough to forgive him again? Upon discovering that their spouse is a chronic cheater, the betrayed partners emotions, indeed their universe, are entirely turned upside down. My h ow, was also recently separated, kids, broke, stressing out how she was going to pay for her family, so of course all the sob stories to my h were about that too, ohhh how am I going to live, where am I going to live, blah blah blah. You were manipulated and used by a pro. They do not want responsibility for their actions and their exes will mostly be discussed in a bad light. So, if your partner is a serial cheater they'll show you how they have always been on the losing end in past relationships. For some, a one-time thing is a total dealbreaker. Also, my two cents on your own traits that correlate with the list. I have to reassure you his wife knows hes the responsible person in the affair. There are many reasons, Dr. Edelman explains. I just feel so bad for Eyes because she has really beat herself up over the affair. Top editors give you the stories you want delivered right to your inbox each weekday. I also like to be alone a lot, and have solitary interests, like reading, crafts, playing games , watching movies. (It would appear that she is a full-blown narcissist, by the way). I just sent the same thing to them and BEFORE I read yours. On the other hand, stranger things have happened and i realize that. Fool me twice, shame on me. That phrase originated because of this phenomenon of repeating bad behavior. Im not one to soft soap or pull punches. He sees himself as belonging to a dog eats dog world where no one is loyal. How To Get A Girlfriend In Real Life? You are investing too much of your self worth in his opinion and what he said or did. What our study and others suggest is a powerful factor that prevents us from cheating is our emotional reaction to it, how bad we feel essentially, and the process of adaptation reduces this reaction, thereby allowing us to cheat more., With serial cheaters, it could be the case that they initially felt bad about cheating, but have cheated so much theyve adapted to their ways and simply dont feel bad about cheating any more. He may consider it a mistake, even if it keeps on happening. But once an addict, always an addict. They may feel neglected or unappreciated. I had sent it via email. My h did send his whore a birthday card and trinket along with a card with comment s that will make you blush after he told me he wanted to be married to me. Just found some interesting information in a study done by the University of Guelph. In some cases, a man may stay married for now, even if he eventually plans to leave his marriage. Married life is stable and he doesnt want to have to start over. I often wonder what my H OW thinks now that the affair is over, they no longer communicate and he is back home with is seemingly horrible wife. The 9 Common Traits of A Serial Cheater Attitudes and behaviors that are found in those who are likely to be unfaithful multiple times. I think serial cheaters are the same way, even when they arent doing anything they are just one step away from it. "Your partner doesn't want you to see their private activity, and therefore is purposefully excluding you from a vital portion of their lives." We still have some recovery work to do, I still am so very embarrassed about what happened, but I think the ow can be more embarrassed about chasing a married man, trying to break a family, and not letting go of him when he made a decision to stay with his family. A chronic perpetual liar and cheat. You were both actually victims of this guys narcissism. There are no repercussions for his actions, 12. TryingHard, Serial cheaters have a lot of experience getting others to trust them. In fact, something interesting happened yesterday that made me realize no one would be having affairs if everyone refused to take potential bait. He could go to Mcdonalds and find it. But thats another story ! Anyway. They could stay . She was 19 and carrying my child. Like you said, it is possible that all of us have at least one. As long as the wife puts up with cheating or chooses to take him or her back, believing that the affair is over (which it never is), the narcissist will stay married until the end of time. I gave her a good fight, I wasnt about to hand my life, my husband and my children to her on a silver platter, she didnt deserve any of it. He became a pro. Your Hs affair partner sounds very intentionally vicious, manipulative, selfish, and heartless. Not wishing to stir but I do wonder how many BSs on this site are being hoodwinked into believing that this was their hs first crime, when actually there were more that were never disclosed? How do you put a face to infidelity? The answer is, you can't. Relationship counselor and clinical sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee of Eros Coaching said cheating is subjective because different people have different boundaries. I guess these guys cheat to prove they can, especially since they are sorry lovers a lot of the time. So basically, the more times a person cheats, the better they feel about cheating, so they do it again. I guess, I gave her the ammunition she needed to get my h to help her, and potentially leave his family for her.