how to hold a narcissist accountable how to hold a narcissist accountable

You can't hold narcissists accountable; you just invite embittered counterattack. Hi Butterfly, You cannot depend on promises because this leaves all of your power in someone elses hands. I never said that! How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. So many of you sound as if youre writing about my husband. I want to convey acceptance in this new activity which is actually appropriate but is not leaving time for us or home responsibilities. I started planning that when we meet for anything it would be in a public place. That means I do as much as possible to surround myself with loving people, things I like to do, and time for myself to process everything in my life. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. I know that if I just pull a little bit back, give him his own feeling of space he will be fine.. ), unless some woman forces him to that isbut think I need to for myself. When I get criticism,shouting verbal abuse , for no apparent reason , I know its not me ,just him not able to process Even though I should be mad, at this point I just feel sorry for him because I know within his limited ability to, he does love me and is hurting too, but the rollercoaster he rides is just to much. As of last night (all through text because he wont communicate these days any other way), I said I cant drag my daughter through this anymore. I think its sad actually what Im doing and yet, since I once had so much joy in relating to him and he was so much fun in the first five years, a long honeymoon period, that at night I miss our talks since he and I used to talk almost every night. Again be matter of fact and say that you are concerned that they understand how serious this is and deal responsibly with how dangerous his behaviour has become. It might be a better option to push for him to have his pay deposited into your account for budgeting (so his bills are covered first before you give him money to spend) or else you may need to speak with his employees about the situation because he is not providing for his family. Please tell us, how are things going for you and your children? He is controlling, a bully, very verbally abusive, calls me every name he can think of, ignores me, lives in a constant disordered mess, hates everyone, is never wrong himself,has pychotic episodes (scary) lays blame on anyone but himself etc etc. He is well known in Our small community. Hi Carol Welcome! But, I dont know if the good is genuine. When he recently visited while I was putting bubs to sleep (after a month of serious sleep deprivation which Id been trying to pull some consideration or support from him with)he goes to sleep as soon as he arrives as hes had such a hard day.every day is hard in his world, he does to his credit go over the top. Jackie, you hit it so head on. There is good in him. I think mentally healthy people are able to give some space and be tolerant of a partner who is not a carbon copy of themselves and therefore will differ on questions of tidiness, importance of money and life goals. For years I thought eventually hed come back into my life. Thank you all of giving me my life back, especially Kim. Booyah! so many nights i wake up wondering what happened to my sweet man.. Its going to cost him a whole lot more when he moves out and has to pay someone to live somewhere else. If they owe you money, hire a debt collector (if you need to) and step away from the adversarial role and let someone else do the dirty work. Also as far as a male role model he has blamed all the men at our church for our problems and we are now going to a different church whice actually has much older and stronger marriages, but will this work with someone he doesnt know very well to hold him accountable? ), Do you ever heal from this? My children and now oldest granddaughter cant believe how I do it with him. Ive read a lot of wonderful responses to your article, but I especially would like to respond to Amy. They have been so helpful! One thing that was powerful for me was to tell me friend about others loving me. It will put all of these blog pages, information, and the events and/or what is happening within your life into a healthier perspective. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. Then I will return to my friend and find a little bit more have changed since the last time and I pray alot too. The kids are terrified of him due to the many dangerous situations he put them in (drIving drunk, putting an apple on their head and prentending to throw an apple at their heads, forgetting one of the kids when he would leave to go get more beer, exposing them to porn, girlfriends jewelry, etc., etc.). Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence. I really am too frightened. I am thinking I want to ask him tonite if he has decided and if he starts all over to bypass and avoid answering, to tell him that its ok but that I have to make decisions and that I think it is better that we keep our finances completely seperate from now on and that he find his own place to live when he comes back home. You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. I do sometimes text my husband if I need to ask something or tel him something he may or may not freak about. Then if your warning has no effect, step out of the way and let life teach them the lesson they have coming. He never leaves them unattended and puts so much pressure on them not to want to see me. I know he loves me , but somehow, he loves his pleasure and freedom more. I appreciate your indepth understanding, and drive to help others. Just a quick note to let you know that reading your material (every bit of it) and then putting it into practice has changed my marriage. Is the rapist a relative or stranger? Si niw I said that I would be his fruend fire er and with that, im o.k. I moved to Minnesota to help her because she is 70 now and had rotator cuff surgery. I have experienced all of the above, married to a Narcissist with appears Sociopathic & bipolar tendencies as well. Maybe growing would be a better way to describe it rather than changing but the truth is that a person cannot start growing again until their false pride comes down. We pretty much all do that but that just adds fuel to their fire and gives them more power.You are most likely a very special person and through your experiences will have developed qualities that some people may never have.To Kym and Steve, I propose a toast for being honest enough to share some very private and personal things so that others may be helped. Narcissists view themselves with a "higher than thou" attitude, where they believe they are more special and deserving of things than others. This may not be 100% true but you are not the expert are you? There is ni ither oersi that I livf ir havr lived like i li e him,but i cant find a safe place. It is so hard to read his a apologies and statements of ownership and progress. I think it is wise that you talk to him but also be prepared. I didnt set boundaries with him because i was so hurt by the sudden death of my husband. I have been living his desires for all these years. Yes I have been working at making our home and relationship safe and secure thanks to the information that you provide and I can see a definite change in my husband. Required fields are marked *. Say nothing let him think he right since he is gonna thinks he is right anyway. It will be a long road but I have faith. If so, what was his incentive? For a woman in relationship with a narcissistic man, does it make any sense to use sex to hold him accountable? Or is cutting off sex simply the same as threatening to leave him? 18) When I got a fever blister on my lip, because I had been so beyond stressed, you told me that women get it from sucking to much . 4. It appears they are in total denial of their behaviour. I dont want my children to be like him. Its hard to grasp how this man that professed his love so earnestly and regularly could turn this fast! HE keeps pushing it out and starting to fight and I really need to know what we are doing, IE what my budget will be. I understood and told you I would not come to home coming, so it would not make it uncomfortable for your kids since by your choice your kids and your ex-wife didnt know of our relationship. 22) While doing the side work you accused me and I quote yeah side work I am sure thats what he is paying you for even though I did most of the work from home. My experience is that this requires a lot of work on yourself to find emotional balance and peace of mind that they cannot reach, whilst you respond to their behaviour gently but firmly. I did go to counseling but he wouldnt go, after cancer treatment, diagnosis, physical abuse,life of pornography and affairs. Stand up and say sorry I cant be with someone who does these things and get out of the relationship the first time it happens! I collected me from work, he cooked for me, he gave me massages and we enjoyed many interests together. Also, since it is getting harder to jack with mehe is moving on to our 13 year old daughter. Did he just not bond with me and I did with him and that is why this seems harder? Relation was ok, he has done many things which I know now were just leading up to hell. Now we have to devide property, of course I dont deserve anything, I didnt do as I was told, had too much to say for myself, turned everyone against him and so it goes on and on. And I just been letting get away with these destructive things. Slavery works like that; not freedom. The Effects a Narcissistic Parent Parent Can Have on a Child. That was my on feeling of insecurity. Its time to Grow Up! Now that I decided that I want him in my life . For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. Hi Genelle and welcome (-: There are exercises to deal with this type of behaviour in the chapter on limiting abuse in The Love Safety Net Workbook. Ive had to allow my spouse to suffer the consequences of his behavior many many times and he continues to make the same ones over and over again. Perspective is all important and since a couple usually ends up living in the way the dominant partner prefers the other person can seem passive/ aggressive simply if they dont throw themselves into that lifestyle with the degree of enthusiasm the dominant person would like to see. Your indifference is their kryptonite. Thanks Kim and Steve for all your work and make sure you do the exercises in The Love Safety Work Book :0). I held on to what was left, did marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc. them, promoting a sturdy stance for (empathically) holding the narcissist accountable. i wish I could at least get him to discuss the fact that he is a Narc but Im willing ot stay help him through it. Thank you Kim. His emotional and verbal abuse has only gotten worse since I was originally diagnosed. None did any good. Hold yourself accountable. I talk about this in depth in Back From the Looking Glass sometimes it takes time until you find the right person to help. You cannot judge a persons personal choices involving themselves and their body by how it makes you feel, that is your responsibility. [1] Being assertive means advocating for yourself without disrespecting someone else (in this case, the narcissist). Unfortunately he had already sold the offending computer to me he had manipulated me so much that i genuinely believed that what i had seen on the computer was my imagination i was the crazy one etc so that by the time the police arrested him he had bought a new computer. Year and half ago, started hearing voices, making outrageous claims, obsessed over me, needed wanted me, if I didnt give him attention it would be horrible on me. He became the most loving partner in life and we got married. To say that it is difficult is an understatement but now that I have healed a little and am much stronger, I simply dont take his rubbish. Within weeks it deteriorated, he became intimidating, coercing, suddenly took over finances, isolated me in a new country etc. The woman probably had to go home after that. The child's feelings and reality will not be acknowledged. I do not claim to be without my own issues. Yet, I still call his answering machine and leave a message or two most nights. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. Confused. 5 Stay calm when they try to upset you. As we dont live together, but see us on a daily basis (working together), there is no chance to verify, what he is actually doing. Whats sad.my 9 year old is already showing narcissistic tendencies. How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. The promise was that if at some point either of us move on and leave, we need to let the other person know becomes it significant impacts my daughter who loves this man like her own father, and is the only father she has ever really known. I was taught at a young age to be a caretaker my grandmother choose me since I had patience. Clever eh. Its a hard life, but for me, Ive put down the sword, and have decided to find the believers in me; not the leaders or followers that are only destined to intercept my inalienable rights to exist. Everybody want so know her. You need to start today. What Renee wrote could have been written by me. Play as nice as you can and de escalate the fight and let the heat come down on him from police. Still havent done anything legal Im nearly positive he never will (but oh, I was already wrong once! Knowing that the trap exists, that one is a victim of a narcissist, is indeed the first step towards overcoming their effects on one's life. (it had worked in the past and thought that as we were married, we would work through it). These people arent logical. Its so hard to accept that it was no more than a performance. You shouldnt be angry or vindictive and instead say something like, I am sorry I didnt do this sooner because it is obvious that you need to learn that this is wrong. Damned if I do, damned if I dont. Nor was I, when tolerating them, i kept making excuses for unnexceptable behaviour. Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level. The thinh that is scary is that he wants big money and power. That's why they fly into rages and punish and threaten you if you threaten to leave them and love bomb you if you do manage to get away. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. 17 up above, Deborah said she likes to think of the narcissists brain as a mass of short circuited wires that just dont connect. I read that narcissists may have faulty brain circuitry left brain/right brain functions dont work properly, making it difficult for them to process information much like people with dyslexia see the alphabet backwards or skewed somehow. Hi Trying so hard I wonder if first you might want to work on making your home into someplace he wants to be? The reason I cant trust his apologies or promises now is because I heard them all before almost verbatim. As that happens they will most likely begin treating you differently and seeing that they need to earn your respect too. As I am writing, I am sitting in a beautiful Hotel in California, at the end of a 4 day all expense trip he won. The person that I speak of is the worse case of spiritual soul sickness that I have ever encountered in my nearly 60 years of life and nothing that anyone does can do anything more than put up with for a time until in the end, she gets worse than she was when she was the worse the last time. He had created chaos there as well and when it all finally came crashing down on him I was ready to take him in and protect him. Sure they will probably still get angry when you use these kind of scripts, so you will need to play this carefully and use your own judgement. He tells me in a text later that night after Id told to drink concrete and harden up. I do love you and I hope you do too. Which I did. He is unstable and is alsi a habitual liar. I did fall into withdrawing from him when it started to fail and now recognize that this may have been due to my own inability to love/TRUSTand my way of trying to yield a different result (aka control?) I think the boss may be annoyed with him now because he is always finding stuff wrong no one else does hence making others look bad, hes been given some questionable stuff to do that I actually wondered if the boss is setting him up for failure. I really think your theory is wise! He remains unaccountable for everything and so much more. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. It is a freaking living nightmare. Getting our own relationship situations under our control with Gods help..is not optional if we want to live all the numbers of our days offered to us at birth. Hi Kate That is a great question. 3. This can be a sudden outburst of anger or passive aggression. No amount of behavioural changes will alter that brain function however if the N person needs you in their life I think you will be able to make the relationship work by managing the impact of their cognitive disability on your self. Still not enough he then decided to leave on New Years eve to go with his daughter to Hastings (leaving me alone and my daughter with her dad) but months later I realized he went with his ex wife and daughter to Hastings because he couldnt cope with my outbursts. Its always been his way or no way but I have been the bread winner for a very long time while he plays all the time and so with this it has given me strength to not let him bully me into anything i stand firm. Forget needing him to be sorry that is a losers game and only got things to where they are now. Im burned out on his verbal abuse and lack of accountability, blaming me for his frustrations with how I want things at my house..which it IS, and hes lazy too. A prolific multi-media content innovator, Kim has created and shared a library of articles and multi-media educational tools including radio shows, One clear warning of what will result if their behaviour continues and then action. When dealing with the childlike behavior and consequences another good place for practical steps is love and logic. I wish you both good luck . The first time my son met him he said that man is bipolar and several other people said that about him. What there is is putdowns, anger, blaming, no empathy, selfishness, baiting me to get me drawn into arguments, and lack of accountability in the small things in life such as chores or simply doing what he has said he will do in a million small ways. I dont want them to be the victim or the perpetrator. And i said to him (with tears but very cool): Do not ever do that again. You are right when you say talking does no good. Just the paranoia, the aggressions, the damage to your property, his alcohol abuse and him breaking in to your bedroom at night and making stories about other people that are not true. Stay away from anyone who will judge and criticize. It needs to flap its wings until blood flows to each vien in order to escape the cocoon. Of course he lied about what he was up to. He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. My advice if you are in a relationship with a nar, get out and dont let them manipulate you back in. If they find someone else who thrives on this, they'll fall in love quickly. Just one question: How to set a boundary if someone is flirtatious in general but you dont know how far this goes? Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. Sonia. My parents are divorced. 2. As my solicitor said at the time they were far more afraid of her than me. It is a lesson that no one needs to learn through experience when they can simply and with much less emotional and spiritual costs, avoid EVER having to confront. I fortunately can deal with it all for the most part. Right now Im in therapy and EMDR is being used to help heal old wounds but in the process hes creating more. I suggest, with respect, you get out of the way and let them learn their lessons. This has been my experience of Narcissists. He left and came back many times, but made a fool of me three months ago for the last time. 12 Amber Lives in Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK Author has 78 answers and 30.8K answer views 2 y Related